Friday, September 11, 2009

Regrettable Movie Review - Life Size

We all know and love Tyra Banks for her ability to address problems head on and find real-life solutions for the common man. Nowhere is this more evident than in her 2000 made-for-TV-movie, LIFE SIZE, where Tyra comes to life as the peppy doll "Eve" to help a troubled Lindsay Lohan deal with the death of her mother and the absence of her father.
It seems young Lindsay has always acted out - onscreen and off- with outrageous antics like calling a teammate "wiener" instead of his actual name "Weiner" and leaving only $63 and an IOU for an expensive book of spells. Perhaps constantly taking on roles of rebellious tomboy had as much of an impact on poor Lindsay as that of her actual dead (faced) mother and absent father.
One would hope Tyra's can-do attitude combined with Lindsay's burgeoning lesbianism would create an unstoppable duo set to change (and eventually blow) the world.
Our journey begins when Casey, played by Lohan, decides to resurrect her dead mother (eeew!) and sets out using the new interweb to find a resurrection spell. Three mouse clicks later she has the name of a book and a local store that sells it. Has this ever happened in real life? Try typing "resurrection spell" into google and see how long it takes to find a book and a store nearby. See ya in three years! Even more improbable is the fact that the book clearly outlines RESURRECTION SPELL and offers it in easy to pronounce gibberish. The spell actually works which should make this authentic, user friendly spell book worth millions, even billions! If all the spells work as well as the resurrection spell, imagine the possibilities! The endless magical possibilities!!! (Insert evil laugh here) Anyway, due to a hairbrush mix-up, instead of her mother's reanimated, decaying corpse, Casey wakes up next to Tyra Banks. Enough to make any girl scream.
The new "life size" doll Eve states that it's her mission to set the perfect example for young girls everywhere. So, what is the perfect example? Well let's start by showing up in an adolescent's bed and call her a "special friend" before agreeing to move into the guest house of a widower and letting him buy an expensive new wardrobe for you. Put those womanly secretarial skills to work by dressing nicely and smiling a lot. Don't forget to make special friends with the men of the office so they can invite you to conveniently-timed office parties. Having trouble with that pesky computer thing? Don't know what a fax is or why it screams at you every time you answer the phone? Not to worry! The dowdy head assistant will be on hand to maliciously fire you. But wait, maybe this successful woman is so angry because she is unattractive. One sure fire way to fix that...a makeover. Good thing you always carry an emergency extensive make-up kit with you which you keep god-knows-where. Sure enough, all that crabby lady needed was a little lipstick and a new hairstyle. Now she loves you and has the confidence to talk to the office man-whore. When you're pretty you don't need smarts or a good personality to get a man!
But eventually Eve learns there's more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking like when bout that one time...wait, that doesn't ever change. In fact, her big dramatic moment has her wearing a belly-baring shirt with tight pants and a bright pink cardigan. The outfit is toned down from the bright orange mess she first appeared in, but she still believes shopping is "what a girl does best".
So, young girls of America, what have we learned? Simply that makeup and smiles will solve all of life's worries and that the best way to help a young girl deal with the death of her mother is to integrate yourself into her life, seduce her father, get her to trust you and then magically turn back into a doll abandoning them again.
With a ratings system based not on actual movie quality, but on the amusement factor after a beer or two with friends, I'm gonna give this one a three out of five "crazy faces". Even alcohol can't obliterate Tyra's horrible acting, the knowledge that that little girl turns out to be a drugged out mess and the overall weak storyline. One would think the bringing together of two such personalities would be pure ridiculousness, but it ends up just being annoying and sad. For shame!

-- 5 cents gets you nuts!


  1. i took you "resurrection spell" challenge.

    LAME. complete waste of time.

  2. I believe it says, "see you in three years," Madam. No one wants to hear about your lack of a social life until AFTER you have spent the allotted time online.
    PS - did you happen to find a book of resurrection spells? I bet the Russian government would pay a lot of money to prevent someone from resurrecting Stalin...a lot of money...

  3. what lack of social life? i made a lot of friends searching for that book!
    stalin sends his love. <3


Before you post, please re-read and re-think what you are about to say to us. For assistance, please use the following checklist:
1) Would you say this to your mother and not expect to get slapped?
2) Would you shout it at a bag full of puppies?
3) Haben Sie auf Deutsch geschrieben?
4) Is your comment grammatically correct?

If you have answered "yes" to one or more of the preceding items, please hang your head in shame, for you have failed us.

Remember - more than three shakes is playing with it! (Maracas, of course!)

Brandon and Erin