A Second Draft is Better Than a Backdraft

To One Ms. Jamie Lee Curtis:

Despite your declining career, I wanted to believe you. I trusted you and your high-fallutin yoghurt deliverance, which were nothing more than lies. You lied to me, you lied to my family, and you lied to countless middle-aged women who have nothing better to do than watch television during the middle of the day and view your Activia commercials, which are conveniently interspersed between soap opera segments.

Your empty promises have caused me grief, despair, and diarrhea (well, that may just be my lactose intolerance, but still, I blame you). It was merely last month when I decided to take you up on your "Acitivia challenge" and enter myself in a 5k run, which the yoghurt that pays your salary single-handedly sabotaged by bolstering my immune system and then suddenly dropping my health to below-zero numbers.

I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate your yoghurt, but little did you share with us that suddenly stopping this challenge may, in fact, impede one's health tremendously, and I found myself bed-ridden for two weeks. TWO WEEKS. I did still, however, attempt to run this 5k race but was unable to because I slept through my alarm. How is this related to your fallacy of yoghurt goodness? Simple: You promised me great things, Ms. Curtis, and you failed to deliver.

Certainly I hope the only roles you have coming your way consist of Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 - 5 and that you are downgraded from yoghurt commercials dealing with irregularity to commercials on incontinence, and you wouldn't want to give those people false promises, now would you?

My only hope is that you may find a way to monetarily rectify this situation before it gets out of hand (I have friends in high places, Ms. Curtis). You can take your vagina yoghurt and stick it.

Incredibly Concerned,

Brandon K. Pfluger

14-Day Challenge: Day Seven

I woke up at the ungodly hour of 6a.m. today, eager to head to school and longing for my yoghurt. Unfortunately, since I am not as pleasant or coherent a person in the morning as I am starting at about noon or so, I made an awful faux pas when I mistook my mantra, "Finish my yoghurt and win the race!" for "Finnish my yoghurt and win the race," and topped off my peach Activia with pickled herring. Needless to say, my day was off to a terrible start.

It wasn't until my second serving of Lihapullat later that afternoon that I had even realized what I was doing. I finished the last of my meatball platter and continued to class. Will this heavy diet of Finnish food slow down my performance in the 5k? I'm afraid only time will tell ...

I will finish my yoghurt and win the race!

14-Day Challenge: Day Four

I can't say anything too terribly different has come from my vaginal yoghurt diet on this fourth day, but I have been feeling rather sporty.

I got up, lifted my mattress (I've been staying on a pallet on the floor in a comfortable nook of an apartment that is blessed to have no air-conditioning in the upcoming 105˚ F weather) and rolled it to the corner. That wasn't the end of my fitness routine! I carried my three, very heavy suitcases full of clothes and books I'm not reading around the room, made my oatmeal, and ate my fourth Activia. I was late getting up, so what better time to get a full cardio workout than when running to your car with your arms full of textbooks? Well, my legs are beat. BEAT!

All this strenuous activity (is there any correlation between the word "activity" and the yoghurt "Activia"?) left me wanting more ... So I signed up for a 5k run on October 10th. If this yoghurt doesn't fail me now, I should be rearing to go in precisely 10 days before the run takes place.

The new challenge? Finish my yoghurt and win the race. You know, I like that answer so much, I'm going to make it my new mantra: Finish my yoghurt and win the race.