Bring it, December!

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone, mine possibly faster than everyone else's. I visited my great aunt in Corona for our "dinner" at 2:15 in the afternoon. Afterward, we came back to her house, where we looked through photos she showed me last time (but I had to pretend to be seeing them for the first), and she asked about my trip to Europe. I almost made it through the first sentence when she cut me off and escorted me out the door. "It was nice to see you," she said, as the screen door slammed in my face. I was home by 3:30p.m.

With a little bit of cheer and a lot of wine, I managed to make it through the rest of the night. Besides, I have two thesis papers I should be writing, but instead, I have been doing everything except writing. For instance, I'm updating this journal even though I convinced myself I could write nothing at the moment. By Friday, I was listening to the Carpenters and enjoying the beginning of the holiday season. Saturday, I baked cookies from scratch and had a lovely dinner of Kraft macaroni and cheese with Tyson chicken nuggets and red wine. After dinner, I ended the evening with a lovely night at the theater, enjoying a peaceful tragedy, "Spring Awakening".

For the past month or longer, I have been consistently also going to the gym every night. In comparison, I look a lot better, but I've only been comparing myself to the naked photos of Vanessa Hudgens that have been plaguing the internet for the past few years. Those are really great for your self-esteem, by the by. Anywho, after polishing off another bottle of red wine (it's supposed to be good for you to saturate yourself with red wine every night, according to WebMD!!), I ventured to the gym. Big mistake. My dream of working out came to a sad and sudden end when I found myself crying on the floor in front of an ever-running treadmill. I don't really know how it happened, but I'm almost certain all those slapping of buttons and cursing didn't help any, and the dancers in the other room who did nothing but stare - well, that didn't make matters any better, and I may have said a few things that will eventually air on COPs.

I now find myself lying in bed, after a soothing bath that nearly drowned me, contemplating the two weeks I have left of my first full-time graduate semester and doing anything I can not to write any more papers, though my continuing education depends on them. But really, what can one do?

The moral of this story? I may have bought some more Activia at the grocery store yesterday, and it may be hormonal mood swings brought on by this vagina yoghurt that rendered me an unstable mess, as opposed to the seven, large glasses of red wine I siphoned before heading to the gym. The world may never know.

14-Day Challenge: Days 5 & 6

Day Five:

I awoke with my legs sore and my heart rearing to go, as I stepped into the kitchen and ate my Activia. Why my legs were exactly worn, I'll never know, but I can only assume it was from my muscles growing, as the yoghurt preps me for my 5K run on October 10th. I will finish my yoghurt and win the race! In any case, I showed off my newly-muscled legs by rocking my skinny jeans on Monday. I could feel people watching in awe as I strutted by.

"That's right, look at my legs. Ooh! Ow! I wish there weren't so sore, but I look good. Man! I look good ..." It's amazing what a pair of skinny jeans and a campus full of stares will do for your self-esteem. The gold medal is practically mine.

I will finish my yoghurt and win the race!

Day Six:

The soreness in my legs are gone. I'll just assume the yoghurt has fully developed all muscles that need developing.

After my breakfast of Activia and chewy granola bars, I went to COSTCO to pick up a few items and a barrel of protein powder, alongside a keg of Centrum vitamins. Like any upstanding citizen, I made my way through the aisles to whet my appetite with the endless, ENDLESS offerings of free samples. Don't mind if I do! However, in my process, I may have cheated on my challenge with a slender, more delicate "Gogurt". I knew I shouldn't have taken one as I reached for it, but the temptation was just too great. Finally, a yoghurt I didn't have to choke down. Filled with shame and great-tasting yoghurt, I immediately checked out and drove home.

How I can stand to face my vagina-loving yoghurt tomorrow, I'll never know. I just have to keep to my mantra: Finish my yoghurt and win the race!

14-Day Challenge: Days One and Two

The Introduction:

Sure we have all scoffed at Jamie Lee Curtis as she bragged about how Activia has saved her irregular bowel movements and kept her from having a FUPA (fat upper-pussy area), but just how well does this wonder yoghurt work?

Whilst shopping at my local grocery store the other night, I walked past the dairy section (which I normally try to avoid, due to my recently-acquired intolerance for lactose (which coincidentally came around the same time as my intolerance for people wearing CROCS)), I couldn't help but notice the giant yellow labeling on the Activia yoghurts, daring me to take this so-called "14-Day Challenge". Well, I'm not the kind of guy who walks away from a duel, and I was practically slapped in the face by with a big heaping spoonful of live-culture yoghurt.

Now, the last challenge I have hurdled through would have been when I yelled at the postman for delivering mail to the wrong address. The yoghurt obviously had nothing to do with the United States Postal Service, so yelling at it got me nowhere. I had to think of a way to complete this challenge. I recently watched Julie & Julia, and though I may not have been impressed with the overall bland storyline, I figured I had learned a thing or two about publicly posting a personal challenge and/or goal that no one really cares about on a blog followed mainly by my mother (hi, Mom!).

The Challenge:

According to Mrs. Curtis, all I have to do to is eat one yoghurt a day for 14 days to gain regularity.

The Question(s):

Was I really irregular beforehand? Should I ask my Dr. about going on this crazy yoghurt binge now that my stomach can't handle dairy products? These are all valid points, but seeing as I don't have health insurance at the moment, they are also very expensive points I can't afford to have answered. We'll just see what "regular" is after 14 days. If I incur rectal bleeding, I'll be contacting your people, Jamie Lee (Ed. Note: Jamie Lee is not to be confused with Jamie Lynn, Britney Spears' younger, less crazy, but more sexually active sister.).

Day One:

I began my colloidal diet Friday, September 18. When I first opened the small container of yoghurt, the water had separated out. Not a good first look, if I do say so myself. After a few minutes of stirring with a spoon to see if the two elements would ever conjoin again, I took my first bite. It tasted like shredded, strawberry-flavored Chinese newspaper. After much consideration, I decided that, since this yoghurt was targeted mostly toward women, that they may have a different set of taste buds ... or maybe they just eat it with their vaginas. After many consultations with friends debating how women can stand to ingest such putrid-tasting gobbledy-goo, I continued eating. Nothing happened. What a gyp, I thought. I may as well try a 14-day challenge of prune juice. But no, I'm sticking with my vagina yoghurt.

Day two:

I began my morning with a little oatmeal and a peach Activia. This one seemed a bit more bearable, AND the water hadn't separated out of it. Though the taste was a little different(better?), still no real effects - until everything else I happened to put in my mouth for the day went right through me. Is this how you get rid of puffy stomachs, by not letting anything stay in your large intestine? I certainly hope being regular doesn't mean constant diarrhea.

What will happen on day three? Stay tuned and find out!