November, What?!

November, where did you come from, and why hasn't this blog updated itself?!

For the past few weeks I have been busy with graduate school (I had two or three two-hour presentations to give) and writing angry letters to just about everyone I could think of. Normally I don't have such rage (you shut your mouth, Erin!), but I was inspired when I was watching a pre-recorded episode of Family Guy on TV about a week or two ago and noticed an Activia commercial in which there was no Jamie Lee Curtis. My mission had been accomplished. Through this triumphant victory I was able to muster the courage to write letters to such companies as Barnes & Noble, regarding an incorrigible salesman who followed me around the music section until I left, and Pottery Barn (they know what they did!).

All this angry letter writing has left me drained and unenthused about creatively writing in this here journal. That is, however, until today. You might wonder, "What will he talk about today?" or "What gems of wisdom does he have for us?" The answer is simple: I have nothing to talk about, so put that in your turkey and stuff it. I do, though, have a new cell phone, with which I plan to take more pictures and upload to this blog, thereby making it more "child friendly". If you don't have children to read this blog to, I suggest volunteering to read aloud to dying children at your local hospital, pound, or dump - or wherever you take/leave them. Or you could just steal a child. I find kindergartens, city parks, or Disneyland provides a nice selection from which to choose.

Until I Write Again,

Brandon

A Second Draft is Better Than a Backdraft

To One Ms. Jamie Lee Curtis:

Despite your declining career, I wanted to believe you. I trusted you and your high-fallutin yoghurt deliverance, which were nothing more than lies. You lied to me, you lied to my family, and you lied to countless middle-aged women who have nothing better to do than watch television during the middle of the day and view your Activia commercials, which are conveniently interspersed between soap opera segments.

Your empty promises have caused me grief, despair, and diarrhea (well, that may just be my lactose intolerance, but still, I blame you). It was merely last month when I decided to take you up on your "Acitivia challenge" and enter myself in a 5k run, which the yoghurt that pays your salary single-handedly sabotaged by bolstering my immune system and then suddenly dropping my health to below-zero numbers.

I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate your yoghurt, but little did you share with us that suddenly stopping this challenge may, in fact, impede one's health tremendously, and I found myself bed-ridden for two weeks. TWO WEEKS. I did still, however, attempt to run this 5k race but was unable to because I slept through my alarm. How is this related to your fallacy of yoghurt goodness? Simple: You promised me great things, Ms. Curtis, and you failed to deliver.

Certainly I hope the only roles you have coming your way consist of Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 - 5 and that you are downgraded from yoghurt commercials dealing with irregularity to commercials on incontinence, and you wouldn't want to give those people false promises, now would you?

My only hope is that you may find a way to monetarily rectify this situation before it gets out of hand (I have friends in high places, Ms. Curtis). You can take your vagina yoghurt and stick it.

Incredibly Concerned,

Brandon K. Pfluger

I Need You Now

Here I am, at 4 o'clock in the morning, still thinking about you...

After a long hiatus, I decided it was time for a much due blog entry, but where to begin? Begin with the rest of your yoghurt trials, Brandon! I hear you say. Don't mind if I do.

What could be so mysterious that you left everyone hanging on days 8-14? I'll tell you what: a whole lot of yoghurt withdrawals. You see, the clever people at Activia have packaged their product in cartons of 8, leaving me stranded on day 9. By day 10, I had the shakes. You don't even want to know what it was like on days 11-14. But Brandon, why didn't you just go to the store and pick up another carton? You're just full of questions, aren't you? Had I done so, I would have been taking the 16-day challenge, and not the 14, as the packaging suggests. Why couldn't you just not eat the other two? Shut up.

Had I wanted to run to the store every time I needed yoghurt, I may as well have bought Go-gurt for busy people on the go, but they weren't offering a challenge. So now, here I lay in bed at close to 4a.m., a good almost two weeks since my last update, and I'm sick. Where are you now, yoghurt? Where are you now?!

The 5k is this Saturday, and I swear if I'm not good to go, I'm writing Jamie Lee Curtis a very stern letter, demanding an apology and an ample supply of 14 yoghurts. It's because of you, Activia, that I have had to change my mantra to: I attempted to finish my yoghurt and quite possibly may be too sick to run the race, but I'll definitely give it a shot and hope I don't drop dead!

What will happen this Saturday? Only time will tell...

14-Day Challenge: Days One and Two

The Introduction:

Sure we have all scoffed at Jamie Lee Curtis as she bragged about how Activia has saved her irregular bowel movements and kept her from having a FUPA (fat upper-pussy area), but just how well does this wonder yoghurt work?

Whilst shopping at my local grocery store the other night, I walked past the dairy section (which I normally try to avoid, due to my recently-acquired intolerance for lactose (which coincidentally came around the same time as my intolerance for people wearing CROCS)), I couldn't help but notice the giant yellow labeling on the Activia yoghurts, daring me to take this so-called "14-Day Challenge". Well, I'm not the kind of guy who walks away from a duel, and I was practically slapped in the face by with a big heaping spoonful of live-culture yoghurt.

Now, the last challenge I have hurdled through would have been when I yelled at the postman for delivering mail to the wrong address. The yoghurt obviously had nothing to do with the United States Postal Service, so yelling at it got me nowhere. I had to think of a way to complete this challenge. I recently watched Julie & Julia, and though I may not have been impressed with the overall bland storyline, I figured I had learned a thing or two about publicly posting a personal challenge and/or goal that no one really cares about on a blog followed mainly by my mother (hi, Mom!).

The Challenge:

According to Mrs. Curtis, all I have to do to is eat one yoghurt a day for 14 days to gain regularity.

The Question(s):

Was I really irregular beforehand? Should I ask my Dr. about going on this crazy yoghurt binge now that my stomach can't handle dairy products? These are all valid points, but seeing as I don't have health insurance at the moment, they are also very expensive points I can't afford to have answered. We'll just see what "regular" is after 14 days. If I incur rectal bleeding, I'll be contacting your people, Jamie Lee (Ed. Note: Jamie Lee is not to be confused with Jamie Lynn, Britney Spears' younger, less crazy, but more sexually active sister.).

Day One:

I began my colloidal diet Friday, September 18. When I first opened the small container of yoghurt, the water had separated out. Not a good first look, if I do say so myself. After a few minutes of stirring with a spoon to see if the two elements would ever conjoin again, I took my first bite. It tasted like shredded, strawberry-flavored Chinese newspaper. After much consideration, I decided that, since this yoghurt was targeted mostly toward women, that they may have a different set of taste buds ... or maybe they just eat it with their vaginas. After many consultations with friends debating how women can stand to ingest such putrid-tasting gobbledy-goo, I continued eating. Nothing happened. What a gyp, I thought. I may as well try a 14-day challenge of prune juice. But no, I'm sticking with my vagina yoghurt.

Day two:

I began my morning with a little oatmeal and a peach Activia. This one seemed a bit more bearable, AND the water hadn't separated out of it. Though the taste was a little different(better?), still no real effects - until everything else I happened to put in my mouth for the day went right through me. Is this how you get rid of puffy stomachs, by not letting anything stay in your large intestine? I certainly hope being regular doesn't mean constant diarrhea.

What will happen on day three? Stay tuned and find out!