A Second Draft is Better Than a Backdraft

To One Ms. Jamie Lee Curtis:

Despite your declining career, I wanted to believe you. I trusted you and your high-fallutin yoghurt deliverance, which were nothing more than lies. You lied to me, you lied to my family, and you lied to countless middle-aged women who have nothing better to do than watch television during the middle of the day and view your Activia commercials, which are conveniently interspersed between soap opera segments.

Your empty promises have caused me grief, despair, and diarrhea (well, that may just be my lactose intolerance, but still, I blame you). It was merely last month when I decided to take you up on your "Acitivia challenge" and enter myself in a 5k run, which the yoghurt that pays your salary single-handedly sabotaged by bolstering my immune system and then suddenly dropping my health to below-zero numbers.

I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate your yoghurt, but little did you share with us that suddenly stopping this challenge may, in fact, impede one's health tremendously, and I found myself bed-ridden for two weeks. TWO WEEKS. I did still, however, attempt to run this 5k race but was unable to because I slept through my alarm. How is this related to your fallacy of yoghurt goodness? Simple: You promised me great things, Ms. Curtis, and you failed to deliver.

Certainly I hope the only roles you have coming your way consist of Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 - 5 and that you are downgraded from yoghurt commercials dealing with irregularity to commercials on incontinence, and you wouldn't want to give those people false promises, now would you?

My only hope is that you may find a way to monetarily rectify this situation before it gets out of hand (I have friends in high places, Ms. Curtis). You can take your vagina yoghurt and stick it.

Incredibly Concerned,

Brandon K. Pfluger

I Need You Now

Here I am, at 4 o'clock in the morning, still thinking about you...

After a long hiatus, I decided it was time for a much due blog entry, but where to begin? Begin with the rest of your yoghurt trials, Brandon! I hear you say. Don't mind if I do.

What could be so mysterious that you left everyone hanging on days 8-14? I'll tell you what: a whole lot of yoghurt withdrawals. You see, the clever people at Activia have packaged their product in cartons of 8, leaving me stranded on day 9. By day 10, I had the shakes. You don't even want to know what it was like on days 11-14. But Brandon, why didn't you just go to the store and pick up another carton? You're just full of questions, aren't you? Had I done so, I would have been taking the 16-day challenge, and not the 14, as the packaging suggests. Why couldn't you just not eat the other two? Shut up.

Had I wanted to run to the store every time I needed yoghurt, I may as well have bought Go-gurt for busy people on the go, but they weren't offering a challenge. So now, here I lay in bed at close to 4a.m., a good almost two weeks since my last update, and I'm sick. Where are you now, yoghurt? Where are you now?!

The 5k is this Saturday, and I swear if I'm not good to go, I'm writing Jamie Lee Curtis a very stern letter, demanding an apology and an ample supply of 14 yoghurts. It's because of you, Activia, that I have had to change my mantra to: I attempted to finish my yoghurt and quite possibly may be too sick to run the race, but I'll definitely give it a shot and hope I don't drop dead!

What will happen this Saturday? Only time will tell...

14-Day Challenge: Day Seven

I woke up at the ungodly hour of 6a.m. today, eager to head to school and longing for my yoghurt. Unfortunately, since I am not as pleasant or coherent a person in the morning as I am starting at about noon or so, I made an awful faux pas when I mistook my mantra, "Finish my yoghurt and win the race!" for "Finnish my yoghurt and win the race," and topped off my peach Activia with pickled herring. Needless to say, my day was off to a terrible start.

It wasn't until my second serving of Lihapullat later that afternoon that I had even realized what I was doing. I finished the last of my meatball platter and continued to class. Will this heavy diet of Finnish food slow down my performance in the 5k? I'm afraid only time will tell ...

I will finish my yoghurt and win the race!

14-Day Challenge: Days 5 & 6

Day Five:

I awoke with my legs sore and my heart rearing to go, as I stepped into the kitchen and ate my Activia. Why my legs were exactly worn, I'll never know, but I can only assume it was from my muscles growing, as the yoghurt preps me for my 5K run on October 10th. I will finish my yoghurt and win the race! In any case, I showed off my newly-muscled legs by rocking my skinny jeans on Monday. I could feel people watching in awe as I strutted by.

"That's right, look at my legs. Ooh! Ow! I wish there weren't so sore, but I look good. Man! I look good ..." It's amazing what a pair of skinny jeans and a campus full of stares will do for your self-esteem. The gold medal is practically mine.

I will finish my yoghurt and win the race!

Day Six:

The soreness in my legs are gone. I'll just assume the yoghurt has fully developed all muscles that need developing.

After my breakfast of Activia and chewy granola bars, I went to COSTCO to pick up a few items and a barrel of protein powder, alongside a keg of Centrum vitamins. Like any upstanding citizen, I made my way through the aisles to whet my appetite with the endless, ENDLESS offerings of free samples. Don't mind if I do! However, in my process, I may have cheated on my challenge with a slender, more delicate "Gogurt". I knew I shouldn't have taken one as I reached for it, but the temptation was just too great. Finally, a yoghurt I didn't have to choke down. Filled with shame and great-tasting yoghurt, I immediately checked out and drove home.

How I can stand to face my vagina-loving yoghurt tomorrow, I'll never know. I just have to keep to my mantra: Finish my yoghurt and win the race!

14-Day Challenge: Day Four

I can't say anything too terribly different has come from my vaginal yoghurt diet on this fourth day, but I have been feeling rather sporty.

I got up, lifted my mattress (I've been staying on a pallet on the floor in a comfortable nook of an apartment that is blessed to have no air-conditioning in the upcoming 105˚ F weather) and rolled it to the corner. That wasn't the end of my fitness routine! I carried my three, very heavy suitcases full of clothes and books I'm not reading around the room, made my oatmeal, and ate my fourth Activia. I was late getting up, so what better time to get a full cardio workout than when running to your car with your arms full of textbooks? Well, my legs are beat. BEAT!

All this strenuous activity (is there any correlation between the word "activity" and the yoghurt "Activia"?) left me wanting more ... So I signed up for a 5k run on October 10th. If this yoghurt doesn't fail me now, I should be rearing to go in precisely 10 days before the run takes place.

The new challenge? Finish my yoghurt and win the race. You know, I like that answer so much, I'm going to make it my new mantra: Finish my yoghurt and win the race.

14-Day Challenge: Days One and Two

The Introduction:

Sure we have all scoffed at Jamie Lee Curtis as she bragged about how Activia has saved her irregular bowel movements and kept her from having a FUPA (fat upper-pussy area), but just how well does this wonder yoghurt work?

Whilst shopping at my local grocery store the other night, I walked past the dairy section (which I normally try to avoid, due to my recently-acquired intolerance for lactose (which coincidentally came around the same time as my intolerance for people wearing CROCS)), I couldn't help but notice the giant yellow labeling on the Activia yoghurts, daring me to take this so-called "14-Day Challenge". Well, I'm not the kind of guy who walks away from a duel, and I was practically slapped in the face by with a big heaping spoonful of live-culture yoghurt.

Now, the last challenge I have hurdled through would have been when I yelled at the postman for delivering mail to the wrong address. The yoghurt obviously had nothing to do with the United States Postal Service, so yelling at it got me nowhere. I had to think of a way to complete this challenge. I recently watched Julie & Julia, and though I may not have been impressed with the overall bland storyline, I figured I had learned a thing or two about publicly posting a personal challenge and/or goal that no one really cares about on a blog followed mainly by my mother (hi, Mom!).

The Challenge:

According to Mrs. Curtis, all I have to do to is eat one yoghurt a day for 14 days to gain regularity.

The Question(s):

Was I really irregular beforehand? Should I ask my Dr. about going on this crazy yoghurt binge now that my stomach can't handle dairy products? These are all valid points, but seeing as I don't have health insurance at the moment, they are also very expensive points I can't afford to have answered. We'll just see what "regular" is after 14 days. If I incur rectal bleeding, I'll be contacting your people, Jamie Lee (Ed. Note: Jamie Lee is not to be confused with Jamie Lynn, Britney Spears' younger, less crazy, but more sexually active sister.).

Day One:

I began my colloidal diet Friday, September 18. When I first opened the small container of yoghurt, the water had separated out. Not a good first look, if I do say so myself. After a few minutes of stirring with a spoon to see if the two elements would ever conjoin again, I took my first bite. It tasted like shredded, strawberry-flavored Chinese newspaper. After much consideration, I decided that, since this yoghurt was targeted mostly toward women, that they may have a different set of taste buds ... or maybe they just eat it with their vaginas. After many consultations with friends debating how women can stand to ingest such putrid-tasting gobbledy-goo, I continued eating. Nothing happened. What a gyp, I thought. I may as well try a 14-day challenge of prune juice. But no, I'm sticking with my vagina yoghurt.

Day two:

I began my morning with a little oatmeal and a peach Activia. This one seemed a bit more bearable, AND the water hadn't separated out of it. Though the taste was a little different(better?), still no real effects - until everything else I happened to put in my mouth for the day went right through me. Is this how you get rid of puffy stomachs, by not letting anything stay in your large intestine? I certainly hope being regular doesn't mean constant diarrhea.

What will happen on day three? Stay tuned and find out!